Breaking Free from the Chains of Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships with Shanenn Bryant

Jealousy and insecurity can silently sabotage even the most promising relationships, leaving us trapped in cycles of fear and doubt. But what if these painful emotions are actually signaling deeper wounds waiting to be healed?

Shanenn, who specializes in helping women overcome relationship jealousy, shares her powerful personal journey of growing up with an alcoholic father and the profound impact this had on her adult relationships. "If my own dad doesn't love me, why would anyone else?" This core belief led Shanenn down a path of relationship sabotage and staying in unhealthy situations far longer than she should have.

Through our conversation, Shanenn brilliantly clarifies the crucial difference between jealousy (fearing someone will take what you have) and envy (wanting what someone else has). She explains how these emotions manifest not just in romantic relationships but in friendships and even professional settings—particularly for entrepreneurs comparing themselves to others in their field.

The most transformative part of our discussion reveals how our subconscious programmed beliefs directly drive our behaviors.  Shanenn shares her powerful 21-day reprogramming technique that works with your brain's Reticular Activating System (RAS) to establish new neural pathways. By identifying your core wounds and creating specific, evidence-based affirmations, you can literally rewire your thinking patterns. As Shanenn eloquently puts it: "Our struggle is in our story."

Whether you're currently struggling with relationship insecurity or simply want to understand the psychology behind these universal emotions, this episode offers practical tools for healing and growth. Take  Shanenn's perspective-shifting reminder with you: "Besides my thoughts and feelings, I'm okay."

Ready to break free from jealousy's grip? Listen now and discover how to transform your relationship with yourself—and everyone else in your life. Then visit  Shanenn at topself.com to take her attachment style quiz and access more resources for your healing journey.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Shannon's Story
• 4:30 Growing Up With Alcoholism
• 7:22 Jealousy vs. Envy Explained
• 9:06 Beliefs and Self-Sabotage
• 12:00 Reprogramming Core Wounds
• 17:30 Gratitude and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hello and welcome back to the next episode of Overcome Yourself, the podcast. As you know, my name is Nicole and I'm so excited to be here today with Shannon. Now, shannon has an incredible story, but I'm going to let her take it away. So, shannon, please introduce yourself, welcome and let us know who you are, what you do and who you help.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Yeah, thank you so much, are what you do and who you help. Yeah, thank you so much. I am excited to be here and I really want to thank you for giving a space to talk about this very spicy topic of jealousy. So that's who I help. I help women overcome jealousy and insecurity in their relationship.

Speaker 1: 0:41

That is amazing.

Speaker 2: 0:43

Tell us more? Yep, so you know my. I grew up. My father was an alcoholic, so I grew up in a super chaotic, um, violent environment and my parents divorced when I was 12. But you know, after that my dad kept promising to stop drinking and sometimes he'd pick us up, sometimes he wouldn't, and we didn't have much of a relationship. I think I talked to him, you know, a few times between 12 and the age of 25, and then only a few times then, and then not again until just recently, the last three years of his life.

Speaker 2: 1:20

We were able to build this beautiful relationship, but it wasn't always that way and you know, growing up in that type of environment you start to realize or feel like, oh, sometimes love is really scary and sometimes love feels good, just depending on the situation. And because we didn't have much of a relationship, I would tell myself my gosh, if my own dad doesn't love me, why would anyone else? And so I carried that belief about myself, that I wasn't lovable, into my adult relationships. So I had very low self-worth. I felt like I wasn't worth someone loving, and that caused me to stay in relationships that weren't good for me longer than I should have and but to sabotage some relationships with my jealousy. So some relationships that may have been perfectly fine, but I was sabotaging them with my relationship because I was afraid. I was afraid of being abandoned and I didn't feel like I was worthy of love, like why would someone stick around?

Speaker 1: 2:29

That's really powerful. In my book I talk about how I grew up surrounded by alcoholics. I remember my grandpa. Before he died he turned yellow, he was totally yellow, like a Simpsons character, like it's not even exaggeration, because he was really yellow, um, and all he wanted was another beer, um. And so I know alcoholism, um. But I also know, just because I grew up surrounded by alcoholics doesn't mean that my kids one day eventually that I'll have them have to grow up surrounded by alcoholics too. So I commend you for your journey, like just for where you are right now, cause I know, I know, I know, oh, please go ahead.

Speaker 2: 3:11

I was going to say I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm wondering too, cause one of the things we notice is that we get really hypervigilant.

Speaker 2: 3:21

So, especially living with and having a parent who is an alcoholic like I, constantly I can remember laying in my bed at 10, 11, 12 and listening so intently for, like when he was going to come home, if he was going to come home, if he did, you know, it all made the difference. If he was loud, if he went straight to the bedroom, if he hung out for a while, if I could hear him make it like. All of that I constantly listened to to try to get an idea then of what was going to happen. And that's sort of the other thing that we can pull into our adult relationships is this over hyper vigilance of looking for every sign to indicate any danger anywhere, and it's certainly what I did when it comes to jealousy in the relationship too.

Speaker 1: 4:09

And when you, when you're talking about relationship we're talking about here romantic relationships, right yeah?

Speaker 2: 4:14

that's right. Romantic relationships for the most part. Now it can spill over into friendships. But that real attachment, when you've got some of these core wounds, um, in these negative beliefs about yourself, that's going to come out. And you know we call an attachment theory. That's when you attach and that's usually in romantic relationships, but we see it from time to time in friendships as well.

Speaker 1: 4:39

Well, can I ask you, what about jealousy in terms of, like, online business owners who see other business owners, maybe who are more successful and they get that sting of jealousy? Is that something that you could touch on for us?

Speaker 2: 4:54

Yeah. So I'm so glad that you brought this up because you know one of the things. I want to make sure people understand the difference between jealousy and envy, because there are two very different, distinct things. So envy, and maybe a little bit more of what you're talking about when it comes to my neighbor has the car, like they've got a better car than me, or they've got a better house, or that person who got the promotion, or, like you said, maybe I'm looking at this person who's in my industry, who's in my niche, and they're so much further ahead than me and I'm comparing myself to that. So envy is more I want what someone else has. Jealousy is I'm afraid someone will take what I have.

Speaker 2: 5:45

But both of those, yeah, and a lot of times, especially in jealousy, you can have both. So I could have a female coworker who I am both envious and jealous of, or get jealous around. So a lot of that too has like, oh, I don't feel enough, that's a big core wound for people, I'm not enough, I'm not good enough. So I may feel like, oh, she's prettier than me, smarter than me, she has the better house than me, she makes more money than me, and so all of that can be tangled in there envy and jealousy, both.

Speaker 1: 6:22

That's amazing and I love that, that distinction, helping us understand the difference, because they're very, they're very closely related, I think jealousy and envy. And so what about, what about? Because when you think about when I when you said having something taken away, um, what about when it comes to money? What if somebody has that fear that they're going to make a lot of money and then that's going to get taken away? Is that a form of jealousy? Can you talk to us a little bit about that?

Speaker 2: 6:51

It's a little bit different, but it certainly could get into that space. So if I am and a lot of times we can sabotage ourselves because of the story so it all goes back to the story. So it may not come out the same way in terms of the jealousy that I work in, where I'm looking at my partner's phone, the email, all of that, but if I have a belief in my head, which most of us do. However, we grew up in that money conversation that we had. We're going to carry that into adulthood.

Speaker 2: 7:26

So if I feel like, for example, if my core belief about money is that it causes people to be not nice people or that there's you know that people change when they have a lot of money, or you know people get greedy when it comes to money, I may, having that belief in my head, unknowingly sabotage getting my promotion, being an entrepreneur and starting my own business, or going for it, as they say in certain ways, not knowing.

Speaker 2: 8:04

Oh, this is why I'm not making progress, this is why I'm not making money in my business, because I have that belief. So everything goes back to the belief. Our behaviors are a direct correlation with our subconscious, programmed beliefs. So you have to change the belief, to change the behavior, and it's one of those sneaky things that people don't think about, like oh, I'm not making money in my business, it must be my offer, it must be my pitch, it must be a whole slew of things, when really it could just be the belief you have about money or the belief you have about yourself that you're not worthy of it, you're not deserving, yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:46

Wow, that's really powerful and that's a hard conversation to have with yourself, but it's such an important conversation. So you mentioned the core wound of not being enough. Can you tell us a little bit more about how we can step into that, how we can start feeling like enough to do? What you're saying is to be able to do those things, overcome those patterns that we might not even be aware are there.

Speaker 2: 9:12

Yeah. So one really great tool that I learned from the personal development school is to do what is called auto-suggestion, or reprogramming you can call it either one. So you want to take your core wound, which there's a whole. There's a process of trying to figure out what that core wound is too, but it's usually like what is the thing you're most afraid of in this situation, or what is the thing that you are like afraid will happen, and that will usually lead you back to the core wound. So, for example, if I'm jealous in relationships, well, the thing that I'm afraid will happen is my partner's going to be taken away from me. I will be abandoned, right, I'll be unloved, and those are all core wounds. I'll be abandoned, I'm unloved, I don't belong, I'm not good enough. So we can kind of trace it back to that point. But then the way that core wounds are kind of formed is the same way we reverse them. So core wounds are formed. I call them the three imprint elements. So it's repetition plus emotion programs, life's commotion, every bit of it. So it's what we witness, what we hear, emotion, every bit of it. So it's what we witness, what we hear and what we experience through rapid like on repeat, Right. So those core wounds got formed. We use the example of me and my dad. He constantly let me down, constantly let me know. Oh, you know, I don't care about you in this situation. At least that's the way I took it. And so if I wanted to reverse those types of things, I'm going to take my core wound. I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, I'm unloved. And you take the opposite I am loved, I am good enough, I am worthy. And we do a series of coming up with like 10 to 15 pieces of evidence where you are good enough, where you are worthy, where you see that currently in your life. And then we do 21-day reprogramming. We start with 21 days, so you'll go through each of those and kind of, we read them to ourselves, we anchor into the experience. So they have to be really specific and that will usually get our brains on the right track.

Speaker 2: 11:31

We have what is called RAS, a reticular activating system, in our brain. So if I wanted to see the color purple today, if my thought was like oh my gosh, purple, the color purple, I see it all the time. All I'm going to see, it's going to filter out like other colors and not really bring them to my attention. But now I'm going to notice purple. And, for example, we see this when you buy a new car, right, it's like, oh, I maybe saw that car once or twice. And now if I bought a Jeep, I see Jeeps everywhere. It's that's your RAS at play. It's like filtering out everything else because that's what you think.

Speaker 2: 12:11

So when you're doing this reprogramming and you're really talking to your subconscious, which actually sees in in imagery, right, not talking. So that's why a lot of times we say, like talk therapy or just doing words of affirmation, those are fantastic but they may not do the reprogramming of your subconscious because your subconscious doesn't hear those specific words. Like if I said I am not worthy, it's going to sound the same to my subconscious as I am worthy. It doesn't hear the word. So I have to imagine and have the imagery.

Speaker 2: 12:53

So when we write out those pieces of evidence, we're writing out specifics so I can go back and be like, yes, that day I was worthy because this is what I did or this is what happened, and I can see that imagery. And then we just repeat that for 21 days and a lot of times. Then our RAS, that reticular activating system will pick that up and go oh, nicole's trying to, you know, come up with pieces of evidence where she's she's loved, and then you're going to start seeing that more and more and more. So it kind of gives you a boost and helps you to keep that reinforcement in your brain, you to keep that reinforcement in your brain.

Speaker 1: 13:29

I love that. I talked about that in my book as well, but I learned the name the official name, like the right name for it after I'd written the book. But I called it red car syndrome right, because that's one of the, I guess, like the nicknames for it. But it's exactly what you're talking about. When you pay attention to something, you tell your brain red cars are important, all of a sudden they're everywhere and so, yes, that makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 2: 13:56

And it's really important to understand. I mean, our brains are hardwired to be negative and they're hardwired to be efficient. So if I thought 10 negative thoughts about myself yesterday, most likely I'm going to think eight to nine negative thoughts about myself today. Most likely I'm going to think eight to nine negative thoughts about myself today too, because that's just how my brain is wired. That's the path right. So if I, if I say, oh my gosh, you know I have this business and I I, you know I failed at this I'm going to keep telling myself that until I can you know, can do some of that reprogramming go wait a second, I'm not a failure. And here are some other, you know. Here's some evidence of how I'm not a failure.

Speaker 1: 14:39

Not only that. Yeah, Okay, I was gonna. I was having like seven different thoughts at the same time.

Speaker 2: 14:51

That was a lot.

Speaker 1: 14:54

So I want to ask you, before we sign off here, what part does gratitude play in helping us overcome jealousy or envy, or helping us with these root emotions that we're working through? What do you think about that?

Speaker 2: 15:11

That's such a great question, and I'm glad you brought up gratitude because it plays such a big role. I mean really in everything, but especially in this, for a couple different, or a couple different ways, I guess. So one if you're feeling jealous and insecure in your relationship most of the time, especially in the beginning, as somebody is just now trying to like, oh, how do I overcome this, how do I start to manage this? And as someone's just becoming aware, we then start to understand, oh, this isn't my partner's problem, this is my problem. And so we got to go back to when we're in that we're probably saying a lot of negative things about our partners. We have to go back to that gratitude Like what, what is it about this relationship or this person that I'm grateful for?

Speaker 2: 15:59

The other part is because of what I just mentioned in terms of your brain is going to go negative if you let it, and that is where it's like one of the simple things. But it isn't easy. We just tend to let our thoughts be our thoughts and we think that our brain is being truthful, when most of the time it is not, and so it's going to go to the negative things. It's going to see negative things that are happening much louder than all the positive things. So we have to go back and go wait a second. I'm starting to focus on all these negative things. What am I grateful for? And then it's really like, okay, there's more of a balance here in life versus on the negative, heavy side. So I think gratitude is so big for people.

Speaker 1: 16:51

Yes, I agree, and one of the things that I was going to say is that I think our brain tends to veer towards negative as a way to keep us safe, and so we have to remember to also thank our brain and be like thank you for trying to keep me safe, but what I'm doing is going to help us be more safe.

Speaker 2: 17:12

Yes, so, good, yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 17:16

Yes, cause I mean, that's, at the end of the day, that's what those we have those wounds, Right. And so our brain is like, well, we have to stay safe, like this hurts, we don't want it to hurt, yeah, yeah. And so acknowledging and just thanking our brain and like like we were just talking about just gratitude, just saying thank you, so that is phenomenal. I love that. So, shannon, talk to us about how we can stay in touch with you, like on social media, sure.

Speaker 2: 17:44

So social media you could go to Instagram and I'm at topselfco C-O or you could go to topselfcom. That's the website. There are some freebies on there for people If they're just starting in this journey. You can take the attachment style quiz and see how you attach in relationships and how that's affecting your relationships, and lots of other goodies on topselfcom.

Speaker 1: 18:12

That is awesome. Thank you so much for sharing. And so, before we sign off, I'd love to know what is like one big tip that you have Like, what's like the tip that you give your audience or your clients that gives them, like, the biggest aha moments. We want to know.

Speaker 2: 18:29

So this, this sort of statement, is not mine, but one of the big things is to think, you know, besides my thoughts and feelings, I'm okay, because that's where we get really caught up, especially in this work of I'm letting my thoughts run away with you know, they're spiraling out of control and I'm letting them get away from me, so just realizing like, hang on, it's just my thoughts and everything else is okay. I may have to make some adjustments or I may have to do some things, but it's usually that story. So our struggle is in our story.

Speaker 1: 19:09

That is so powerful. It made me think of the Untethered Soul, I believe, was the book that I was reading, and it proposed the idea of seeing yourself as separate from your thoughts. It was like take a passenger seat, like like go back and observe, just observe what happens. And it was very interesting because I'd never thought of it like that, I guess. And but reading that book, it's exactly what you were talking about how you can like literally observe the thoughts and be like Whoa, what, what was that? Where did that come from? Why did you just think that like that's a weird sentence, you know, and like literally see what happens? Um, because you are not your thoughts. Yeah, you are your thoughts, but you're not your thoughts. Like it's kind of complicated, like quantum physics and whatnot.

Speaker 1: 20:03

That's complicated, yeah right, so you are your thoughts right, because what we're thinking, or but then you're not your thoughts, because you can observe them, so, like it's like, yeah, it is kind of paradoxical, but it's also true, um, and so, yeah, just paying attention and taking a step back and observing, that's, that's huge. Well, thank you so much for joining us today, shannon thanks for having me, I had fun awesome yay me too.

Speaker 1: 20:26

thank you so much. Awesome Yay me too. Thank you so much. This has been wonderful and we will catch you guys next time on the next episode of Overcoming Yourself, the podcast. Bye.